Paps and Naps

While I'm blogging, this is what I get to watch!

First things first...I DID IT! I put B in his nursery and kept him there all night. Really, the props should go to Bradley. He did it. He did wonderfully. He slept so soundly, without needing a paci, without getting his arms out, even without wiggling around much from 9pm-6:30am. He woke up to eat, and went back down for another hour. He is amazing.

I however was a wreck and didn't sleep much at all. I pretty much watched B sleep all night. I missed him. I was sad. I was thinking about it last night and it was the first night we spend apart for not only just the past 4 months, but 9 full months on top of that. B and I haven't spent a night apart for over a year, but we did last night. I know it is such a positive step for both of us, it's just still hard for me.

Now on to my pap. I feel so much better about everything that has to do with, you know, down there. Basically my doc told me that the only reason I would need to be on the pill would be to prevent pregnancy. But after hubs and I talked we realized if we got pregnant while breastfeeding, with PCOS, without having a period, that baby was MEANT to be here, and be a miracle. But come on, really, us infertiles don't accidentally get pregnant...ever.

She assured me that there should be no reason that my body should be producing cysts if I'm breastfeeding and not having periods. So basically my plan is to just wait until I'm done breastfeeding, and if I don't get a period within a few month of stopping, call the doc to get provera then start the pill.

Is summation, I am on cloud 9. My baby is happy and sleeping so comfortably. I am happy and having no worries about the girlie stuff. All is well :)

Tiffany

Aww H-E Double Hockey Sticks!

The video monitor came TODAY!!! It was supposed to come tomorrow. I was totally prepared to move B into his crib tomorrow night (yeah right) but tonight just seems too early!!

It's ok, it's ok, deep breaths. I know it will be better for both of us. He will be more comfortable, and I will sleep better............eventually.

So I guess this is what I'm in store for seeing on the monitor:

My precious baby sleeping in his crib about to sneak an arm out of his swaddle. Stinker! I have started putting the swaddle up higher on his shoulders, and wrapping it a bit tighter. It sometimes works, and sometimes doesn't. Hence last night I looked over and saw my kid in a touchdown position. Or maybe he was doing the YMCA dance???

Ob apt in a few hours. Post to come on my apt. and B's first night in his crib. Wish us...or just me...luck!!

Tiffany

Love Is:

-Spending half the night bent over the side of a pack n play to keep a paci in your baby's mouth.

-Putting all your groceries away with one hand because your baby wants to be held.

-Picking buggies and cleaning poop off clothes with your bare hands without flinching.

-Getting your boob out, putting your boob away, getting your boob out again, no, away again, and finally out again because now your baby is hungry.

-Receiving open mouth wet kisses.

-Letting your own limbs go numb for the sake of not moving a sleeping baby.

-Everything I feel when I see, smell, hear and feel my baby!



I recently took a moment to read back through my blog. Wow, how far I've come. I am so glad I started blogging and wish I would have started earlier. There are so many emotions I had, and things I went through that now seem like such a distant memory. It was amazing to read a few of my posts that were made when I was pregnant but hadn't yet tested to find out.

It really made me stop and think about how lucky I am, how blessed I am, and what a miracle it truly is to have a child. I know this is sort of a sappy post for my taste, but I've just been overwhelmed with emotion lately.

Maybe I'm pregnant...

JUST KIDDING. But I do remember when we were ttc and any little symptom I had I thought it must have been because of a bun in the oven.

Tomorrow is my OB apt. I will hopefully get all of my breastfeeding/pcos/period questions answered. I am hoping to stay drug free so I really don't want to be put back on the pill. The only reason I would go on the pill is if Dr. thought I had the possibility to start producing cysts again. We will see...

Love is loving my little man so much that I would go through anything, even a million times worse than what we had to go through, to get him. And I would do it a million times over!

(And again...I apologize for my gushyness. I promise my next post will be about how annoying people are who talk about how much they love their babies. I hate those people.)

Tiffany

Can't stay in it: Can't sleep without it

Oh Swaddle me, how I love you so. This piece of beautifully crafted, artfully stitched piece of material is a lifesaver! In fact, I think they should make them for gown ups. There are many days when I feel out of control and I'm throwing a tantrum just because I've over tired and would love someone to come in, wrap me up in this cozy thing, lay me down in a dark quiet room and let me sleep alone for a few hours. Ahh, doesn't that sound heavenly?

Well anyway my bright, strong, advanced, gifted (he he) 4 month old has completely figured out a way to get out of it. And what kills me about it, is that the arm he gets free is the first one tucked in which is the one that is doubly swaddled. Go figure. It is quit hilarious when it takes me three or four tries to finally get him in. I will get his first arm down, tuck the swaddle down under his body, reach for the other side of the swaddle to wrap around and when I look over, his first arm is completely out waving at me almost as if he is taunting me. Oh boys.

I know one might say that I'm just not wrapping him tight enough but believe me, I am. Plus I wouldn't dare wrap him any tighter because of my horrible fear of SIDS. Hence my last post topic where I can't get him out of my room at nights. Side note: the video monitor has been ordered and baby *should* be in his crib at nights per day of video arrival.

I have tried letting him take naps un-swaddled and he's still not ready. His startle reflex is still so strong that he wakes himself up every five minutes. No joke. With the swaddle he's napping 3 times a day. Two naps are for about an hour, and the middle nap is always for a good two hours sometimes even longer. You see what I mean when I say this swaddle me is a lifesaver.

PCOS update: 4 months in and still no AF. Going for an Ob appointment on Wednesday. I will debrief you all at that point. Time to go play swaddle the arm.

Tiffany

I Can't Do It - Suggestions Please

I can't get Bradley out of our room at night. I just can't do it. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. (Ok, I think the moral of this whole blog post-baby is learning that EVERYTHING is harder than I thought it would be. Harder but yet so so so much more amazing as well!!)

But I mean who wouldn't want to be around this little guy 24-7?


Hubs has been great and not pressuring me to get Bradley sleeping in his nursery at night. However, I know having to tip toe around in the mornings while he's trying to get ready for work is getting old. I know he would like to go back to being able to turn the news on in the mornings. I know he would like his bedroom back.

I have finally admitted to myself, and my hubs that I think the only way I'll be able to do it is if we get a video monitor. I TRULY hope this isn't just another excuse I'm making to myself. I hope once we get a video monitor, I really will be able to leave B at nights.

Here was my list of excuses before: First I told myself that I wanted to make sure he was sleeping through the night. Well that happened like 6 weeks ago.

Then I said well sometime between 3 and 4 months. Well Bradley is 4 months and 1 week old and I am still no where near feeling ready.

Then I said well maybe once he starts sleeping without a swaddle. But then I realized that once he starts sleeping without a swaddle he will be rolling over in his sleep which scared the bajeezers out of me to not be able to see him and make sure he is still breathing.

So finally, excuses after excuses, I have realized we are going to have to break and buy a video. They are so expensive and I really never thought I would want one. But now I realize that I actually don't just want one, I NEED one.

I know the crib would be so much more comfortable for B to sleep in at nights. More comfy than the pack-n-play. He does sleep in his cribs for naps and I know he loves to wake up looking at the mobile. So I know I need to let go and do this for him, as well as hubs. It's just so hard.

Does anyone have a video monitor that they recommend? Suggestions PLEASE! I know I want one that has the option to pan and tilt the camera. I also want one that also has the light indicator that goes up and down depending on how loud the baby is.

Any suggestions would help. I know it's going to be hard to get him out of our room, but I have to do it now. If not now, it will only be harder later....when he leaves for college.

Tiffany

What's the matter with me?

I don't know what happened to me, or where along the way I have become the way I have become, but I am a completely different mom in one area than I ever thought I would be. I AM COMPLETELY OVER-PROTECTIVE. I know I am. I said it. I own it. I admit it. I am not going to change it. However, I've found myself needing to make excuses for it. But why? I don't need to make excuses for it. I am the mom. This is how I choose to parent, and I think I'm doing a gosh darn good job at it. I mean just look at these smiles!

So why do I feel the need to justify myself? Well actually, I already feel better just getting it out and saying it on here. But really....from as early on as I can remember I LOVED babies. I babysat any time I could, went to the nursery at church as much as my parents would let me, and pretty much played with baby dolls until I could drive. (ok, maybe not that long) But I was always soooooooooooo good with babies and I always remember loving parents that would trust me with their babies. I always told myself I would do the same when I was a mom because I remember how competent I felt as a kid and how much I wanted to be trusted around babies.

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Well that's shot to shit. It ain't happenin. But why? I don't know what it is. Is it because of all the scary horror stories I hear about sids/accidents/illness? Is it because my baby is the cutest stinkin baby I've ever seen and I want to be around him 24/7? (yes) Is it because I'm slightly the most controlling person ever? (yes) I just don't know but this is the way it is. I read another blog today that has a baby a few weeks younger than Bradley and they got a babysitter for the first time this weekend and I was having a panic attack just reading about it. It went perfectly for them, I just know I am definitely not ready for that yet. Even worse there is a wedding that hubs and I are going to in June (B will be 7 months by then) and I've already had sleepless nights thinking about it. This is not good I know. And I need to get over it I know...or do I? I mean this is the most important job of my life and who is to tell me to lighten up? Can you kill me for loving him so much and not wanting to miss a minute of his life? No you can't, and I just need to give myself permission to feel this way and know that it's ok. He is, after all, only 13 years old. HAHA check that, 4 months old.

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I think a BIG part of this whole thing is nursing. (This is just my thinking...) I think babies who are primarily nursing verses babies who primarily eat from a bottle are a little different. A girlfriend of mine was telling me the difference with her two kids. The first was fed breast milk through a bottle, and her second baby has been nursing. She said her second baby has much more of a separation anxiety then her first. That got me thinking. I nurse Bradley nearly 100% of the time; We'll go with saying I nurse him 99% of the time. So, for his entire life all he has ever known is every 2 hours, mom. Every 3 hours, mom. Every 3.5 hours, mom. Mom, mom, mom. I'm always there.

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So basically I just feel horrible and am having anxiety about leaving him for long periods of time. So is it the nursing? Is it the me feeling bad that he will miss the nursing and miss his mommy? Is it me not being able to give up the control for a long period of time. Or is it me just not wanting to miss a second of his life? After all...there is no guarantee that we will ever conceive again.............and they grow up so fast..........oh that was so scary to type.

.

Tiffany

Days? Weeks? Months?

As my baby has approached the 3 month milestone I find myself telling his age in months "He's 3 months old" instead of weeks as I did previously, "He's 10 weeks old."



This got me thinking. When did I make the switch between telling his age in days, instead of weeks? I must have gone from saying, "He's 11 days old" to saying, "He's 2 weeks old" and not even realized I made the switch. How quickly they grow up! Now I'm saying his age in months and before you know it I'll be saying his age in years. Then, inevitably, he will grow so old that, like us, I will be saying his age in decades, "Oh my son is in his twenties." Oh Lordy...



Anyway, I've always found it funny, and a bit ridiculous, when people still tell their children's age in months well past the 'month-age' expiration date. No joke; I had a conversation with a woman who said her daughter was "26 months old." What? Are you being serious? Why not just say, "She just turned 2." Or say, "She was 2 in December." I mean 26 months? Get over yourself. The only person that cares about how many months old your kid is, is you. To the rest of the world she's just 2 years old, ok? lol (I wonder if she told people her daughter was 52 weeks old when she turned 1)



So in summation, if your child is walking, talking and pooping on the potty, #1 don't announce that they pooped on the potty on Facebook (a topic for another post) and #2 tell your child's age in years.



Tiffany