Infertility Is So Hard: I Hate Those People

The struggle of an infertile is so hard. We all know that. Infertility affects the infertile and everyone close to them. It can be down right devastating.

On the other hand, when you are blessed with a little miracle, whether it be through intercourse (does that really even work to create a baby?), iui, ivf, adoption, or surrogacy, everyone around you becomes so overwhelmingly happy for you. I remember when we first shared our BFP it was some of the happiest moments of our life.

On the other hand, pre BFP, I remember all the pain we felt when we heard of other people's baby announcements. Not unhappy for them, just pain for us that we were not yet there.

Well, even further down this path are the baby announcements that genuinely make me livid, and sad for the baby. I would HATE to be those people. Those people that when they announce they are pregnant, people actually feel anger and sorrow towards them, instead of joy. It disgusts me that those people actually can conceive. It makes me wonder why? Why can those people have babies and not some of the most sweetest, well deserving people I know. People like you who are reading this and yearn for a child.

Today I caught wind that distant family members are pregnant again with their 4th. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. They cannot even afford the three they have now. Every time I turn around it seems that they are splitting up, no back together, no apart again, wait, no must be together again because she's knocked up. It's so sad. Sad for those children, sad for the unborn baby. It just makes me realize how much I would hate to be those people, I would hate to be those people that others feel sad for instead of happy.

I know the world isn't fair and it's about time to stop asking this question. But I ask it anyway. Why? Why is it so easy for some who it should be hard for, and why is it so hard for those it should be easy for. The age old question...why?

Tiffany

We're Goin' Swimmin'

Today is the day we are going to take Bradley swimming for the first time! I have been wanting to do this since we became members of the ymca. He loves taking baths so I am so excited to actually be able to get in the water with him and splash around. My only fear is that the heated indoor pool still might be a little chilly for him. We will see. Also, I think hubs has a secret fear that the baby will turn into a greased up slippery slime ball and will be impossible to hold in the water. I am holding out hope that B in fact will not turn into said ball and we will be able to hold him under his arms and butt just fine.

Ok so, I know the worst of the worst of the worst is when people complain about things when they actually finally get pregnant. So I will not be complaining.

I will not complain about the fact that I will probably still wear a maternity swim suit to the pool...or better yet an old speedo.

I will not complain that I still have a pretty dark linea negra line.

I will not complain that even though my belly grew huge when I was pregnant, it's my ass and thighs that decided to get stretch marks.

I will most definitely not complain about my 4 inch red scar from where they pulled my baby out. (I actually do kind of like it. It is a cool remembrance of just how tiny my baby once was to fit out of that scar.)

I will not complain that just about everything sags roughly a half an inch lower than it did pre-baby.

I will not complain about any of these things. You know why? Because I would take all those bad things again in a heartbeat. I would take them even if that scar was 8 inches long, and things sagged 5 inches lower, and if stretch marks were put all over my body. It would be totally worth it.

Now I'm off to go sport my ugly mom swim suit with my cutie pie kiddo in his super cool swim shorts!

Tiffany

Paps and Naps

While I'm blogging, this is what I get to watch!

First things first...I DID IT! I put B in his nursery and kept him there all night. Really, the props should go to Bradley. He did it. He did wonderfully. He slept so soundly, without needing a paci, without getting his arms out, even without wiggling around much from 9pm-6:30am. He woke up to eat, and went back down for another hour. He is amazing.

I however was a wreck and didn't sleep much at all. I pretty much watched B sleep all night. I missed him. I was sad. I was thinking about it last night and it was the first night we spend apart for not only just the past 4 months, but 9 full months on top of that. B and I haven't spent a night apart for over a year, but we did last night. I know it is such a positive step for both of us, it's just still hard for me.

Now on to my pap. I feel so much better about everything that has to do with, you know, down there. Basically my doc told me that the only reason I would need to be on the pill would be to prevent pregnancy. But after hubs and I talked we realized if we got pregnant while breastfeeding, with PCOS, without having a period, that baby was MEANT to be here, and be a miracle. But come on, really, us infertiles don't accidentally get pregnant...ever.

She assured me that there should be no reason that my body should be producing cysts if I'm breastfeeding and not having periods. So basically my plan is to just wait until I'm done breastfeeding, and if I don't get a period within a few month of stopping, call the doc to get provera then start the pill.

Is summation, I am on cloud 9. My baby is happy and sleeping so comfortably. I am happy and having no worries about the girlie stuff. All is well :)

Tiffany

Aww H-E Double Hockey Sticks!

The video monitor came TODAY!!! It was supposed to come tomorrow. I was totally prepared to move B into his crib tomorrow night (yeah right) but tonight just seems too early!!

It's ok, it's ok, deep breaths. I know it will be better for both of us. He will be more comfortable, and I will sleep better............eventually.

So I guess this is what I'm in store for seeing on the monitor:

My precious baby sleeping in his crib about to sneak an arm out of his swaddle. Stinker! I have started putting the swaddle up higher on his shoulders, and wrapping it a bit tighter. It sometimes works, and sometimes doesn't. Hence last night I looked over and saw my kid in a touchdown position. Or maybe he was doing the YMCA dance???

Ob apt in a few hours. Post to come on my apt. and B's first night in his crib. Wish us...or just me...luck!!

Tiffany

Love Is:

-Spending half the night bent over the side of a pack n play to keep a paci in your baby's mouth.

-Putting all your groceries away with one hand because your baby wants to be held.

-Picking buggies and cleaning poop off clothes with your bare hands without flinching.

-Getting your boob out, putting your boob away, getting your boob out again, no, away again, and finally out again because now your baby is hungry.

-Receiving open mouth wet kisses.

-Letting your own limbs go numb for the sake of not moving a sleeping baby.

-Everything I feel when I see, smell, hear and feel my baby!



I recently took a moment to read back through my blog. Wow, how far I've come. I am so glad I started blogging and wish I would have started earlier. There are so many emotions I had, and things I went through that now seem like such a distant memory. It was amazing to read a few of my posts that were made when I was pregnant but hadn't yet tested to find out.

It really made me stop and think about how lucky I am, how blessed I am, and what a miracle it truly is to have a child. I know this is sort of a sappy post for my taste, but I've just been overwhelmed with emotion lately.

Maybe I'm pregnant...

JUST KIDDING. But I do remember when we were ttc and any little symptom I had I thought it must have been because of a bun in the oven.

Tomorrow is my OB apt. I will hopefully get all of my breastfeeding/pcos/period questions answered. I am hoping to stay drug free so I really don't want to be put back on the pill. The only reason I would go on the pill is if Dr. thought I had the possibility to start producing cysts again. We will see...

Love is loving my little man so much that I would go through anything, even a million times worse than what we had to go through, to get him. And I would do it a million times over!

(And again...I apologize for my gushyness. I promise my next post will be about how annoying people are who talk about how much they love their babies. I hate those people.)

Tiffany

Can't stay in it: Can't sleep without it

Oh Swaddle me, how I love you so. This piece of beautifully crafted, artfully stitched piece of material is a lifesaver! In fact, I think they should make them for gown ups. There are many days when I feel out of control and I'm throwing a tantrum just because I've over tired and would love someone to come in, wrap me up in this cozy thing, lay me down in a dark quiet room and let me sleep alone for a few hours. Ahh, doesn't that sound heavenly?

Well anyway my bright, strong, advanced, gifted (he he) 4 month old has completely figured out a way to get out of it. And what kills me about it, is that the arm he gets free is the first one tucked in which is the one that is doubly swaddled. Go figure. It is quit hilarious when it takes me three or four tries to finally get him in. I will get his first arm down, tuck the swaddle down under his body, reach for the other side of the swaddle to wrap around and when I look over, his first arm is completely out waving at me almost as if he is taunting me. Oh boys.

I know one might say that I'm just not wrapping him tight enough but believe me, I am. Plus I wouldn't dare wrap him any tighter because of my horrible fear of SIDS. Hence my last post topic where I can't get him out of my room at nights. Side note: the video monitor has been ordered and baby *should* be in his crib at nights per day of video arrival.

I have tried letting him take naps un-swaddled and he's still not ready. His startle reflex is still so strong that he wakes himself up every five minutes. No joke. With the swaddle he's napping 3 times a day. Two naps are for about an hour, and the middle nap is always for a good two hours sometimes even longer. You see what I mean when I say this swaddle me is a lifesaver.

PCOS update: 4 months in and still no AF. Going for an Ob appointment on Wednesday. I will debrief you all at that point. Time to go play swaddle the arm.

Tiffany

I Can't Do It - Suggestions Please

I can't get Bradley out of our room at night. I just can't do it. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. (Ok, I think the moral of this whole blog post-baby is learning that EVERYTHING is harder than I thought it would be. Harder but yet so so so much more amazing as well!!)

But I mean who wouldn't want to be around this little guy 24-7?


Hubs has been great and not pressuring me to get Bradley sleeping in his nursery at night. However, I know having to tip toe around in the mornings while he's trying to get ready for work is getting old. I know he would like to go back to being able to turn the news on in the mornings. I know he would like his bedroom back.

I have finally admitted to myself, and my hubs that I think the only way I'll be able to do it is if we get a video monitor. I TRULY hope this isn't just another excuse I'm making to myself. I hope once we get a video monitor, I really will be able to leave B at nights.

Here was my list of excuses before: First I told myself that I wanted to make sure he was sleeping through the night. Well that happened like 6 weeks ago.

Then I said well sometime between 3 and 4 months. Well Bradley is 4 months and 1 week old and I am still no where near feeling ready.

Then I said well maybe once he starts sleeping without a swaddle. But then I realized that once he starts sleeping without a swaddle he will be rolling over in his sleep which scared the bajeezers out of me to not be able to see him and make sure he is still breathing.

So finally, excuses after excuses, I have realized we are going to have to break and buy a video. They are so expensive and I really never thought I would want one. But now I realize that I actually don't just want one, I NEED one.

I know the crib would be so much more comfortable for B to sleep in at nights. More comfy than the pack-n-play. He does sleep in his cribs for naps and I know he loves to wake up looking at the mobile. So I know I need to let go and do this for him, as well as hubs. It's just so hard.

Does anyone have a video monitor that they recommend? Suggestions PLEASE! I know I want one that has the option to pan and tilt the camera. I also want one that also has the light indicator that goes up and down depending on how loud the baby is.

Any suggestions would help. I know it's going to be hard to get him out of our room, but I have to do it now. If not now, it will only be harder later....when he leaves for college.

Tiffany