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Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Mom Staying At Home

That's what I am.

I am a Mom staying at home. I'm not a stay at home Mom.

Let me explain: I am a real estate agent and therefore, I get the luxury of staying at home to raise our son. I do not however consider myself a stay at home mom because I am technically a "full time" Realtor. So basically I am a mom, staying at home, but I'm on-call 24-7 to poopy diapers, hungry bellies, property calls, showing requests, tired cries, bored cries, active dogs, client concerns, price reductions, cost negotiations, dirty laundry and an occasional closing (a.k.a. payday).

Therefore, until we have no money concerns (cue hysterical laughter) I do get to stay at home, but I have to drop everything and run like a chicken with my head cut off every single time the phone rings or an email pops up. (Thank the good Lord for Blackberry's)

Hence my guilt about today. B had a rough day and I am to blame. Tears. We went to the grocery and he did great. In fact he loves it because there are so many colors and things to look at. Well I pushed my luck in the carseat when we got home. He was so content and about to take a nap I thought I would just leave him in the carseat, transfer him to the stroller, grab the dogs and go for a walk. You know that whole 2 birds 1 stone thing. Or is it a bird in the hand? Oh whatever. So instead of falling asleep, B decided he would throw a tantrum instead. Perfect. I had to walk 3/4 of the block home with a crying baby. Uhg. Finally we get home and I swaddle him and lay him down for a nap. Ahhh, all is good in the world. Until the phone rings. Problems. I had to run out to one of my listings and change out a sign within the next 40 minutes. More problems. The sign doesn't fit in my trunk and I had to tie my trunk down with rope. Uh, never done that before. Hubs? Where are you? Oh yeah, making the real money. Even more problems. I had to do it. (close your eyes) I HAD TO WAKE A SLEEPING BABY! (cringe) Poor guy. Back in the carseat B went, right where he came from, screaming. So down the road I went with a pissed off baby, a trunk swinging by it's hinges, and me clinching my hands on the wheel just hoping the trunk stays down and my baby stays....well...doesn't stay pissed.

All turned out fine in the end. Fine for everyone except for me and my guilt. I feel so bad for having to disrupt him. I know this will be the first of many...but still I feel shitty for doing that to him. I feel shitty for playing with him then in a split second when my phone rings having to lay him down and run to the other room to ruffle through some paperwork. .....Hum...maybe that's how he learned to roll so quickly??


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Monday, March 28, 2011

I think I'm coming down with something.

And it's called appetite. Yes, I think I'm sick with an appetite.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was finally feeling "good". Back in my pre-preggo jeans, well more like 'stuffed' back into them. But hey, they were on and I was feeling good. Then last week, I feel ill to an appetite. I don't know what's going on but I am starving all the time. I am eating like I was eating when I was pregnant. Just this constant hunger and hole that needs to be filled. Needless to say, I'm not feeling so hot anymore.

I know I'm still breastfeeding (thank you extra calorie burn) and it probably has something to do with the fact that my milk is changing to fit my baby's needs. (I am so amazed how the body works like that. Hell, I am still so amazed that milk is coming out of my boobs and it has been doing that for almost 5 months.) Whatever the reason it's remarkable how significant it is.

Side note since I'm talking about food: Over the weekend we took B out to a restaurant for the first time. Since we had gift cards we went to the Olive Garden. Holy hell was it crowded. I never knew that it was such the hot spot. I think it must have something to do with the unlimited bread sticks. If I ever open a business, food related or otherwise, I will post a big sign up front that reads, "FREE CARBOHYDRATES." I believe that's the key to keep any small business in America afloat.


Friday, March 25, 2011

You've been in this world less than 5 months; How can you be bored?

Yes, that's right, my kid is bored. (I think)

Teethers- seen, chewed, done.

Rattles - They all taste the same, the all sound the same, moving on.

Exersaucer - Amazing...wait...ok done looking at it.

Play mat - I'm not dumb mom, same animals, different position.

Nursery, Master bedroom, Other bedrooms, Office, Living room, Dining room, Kitchen, Basement - done, Done, DONE!

I mean come on!!! You've been in the world less than 5 months, how can you be bored with anything???? Ok well, the only thing he isn't bored with are light up sing songy toys but that means I need to be right there making them sing every 20 seconds. Well, the good news here is that he hasn't seem to gotten bored at looking at my face. That's promising.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!! I just looked down and Bradley is on his belly. I put him down on his back!!! Wahoo way to go B!!! Wait, have to go pick him up, he just got bored.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Infertility Is So Hard: I Hate Those People

The struggle of an infertile is so hard. We all know that. Infertility affects the infertile and everyone close to them. It can be down right devastating.

On the other hand, when you are blessed with a little miracle, whether it be through intercourse (does that really even work to create a baby?), iui, ivf, adoption, or surrogacy, everyone around you becomes so overwhelmingly happy for you. I remember when we first shared our BFP it was some of the happiest moments of our life.

On the other hand, pre BFP, I remember all the pain we felt when we heard of other people's baby announcements. Not unhappy for them, just pain for us that we were not yet there.

Well, even further down this path are the baby announcements that genuinely make me livid, and sad for the baby. I would HATE to be those people. Those people that when they announce they are pregnant, people actually feel anger and sorrow towards them, instead of joy. It disgusts me that those people actually can conceive. It makes me wonder why? Why can those people have babies and not some of the most sweetest, well deserving people I know. People like you who are reading this and yearn for a child.

Today I caught wind that distant family members are pregnant again with their 4th. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. They cannot even afford the three they have now. Every time I turn around it seems that they are splitting up, no back together, no apart again, wait, no must be together again because she's knocked up. It's so sad. Sad for those children, sad for the unborn baby. It just makes me realize how much I would hate to be those people, I would hate to be those people that others feel sad for instead of happy.

I know the world isn't fair and it's about time to stop asking this question. But I ask it anyway. Why? Why is it so easy for some who it should be hard for, and why is it so hard for those it should be easy for. The age old question...why?


Saturday, March 19, 2011

We're Goin' Swimmin'

Today is the day we are going to take Bradley swimming for the first time! I have been wanting to do this since we became members of the ymca. He loves taking baths so I am so excited to actually be able to get in the water with him and splash around. My only fear is that the heated indoor pool still might be a little chilly for him. We will see. Also, I think hubs has a secret fear that the baby will turn into a greased up slippery slime ball and will be impossible to hold in the water. I am holding out hope that B in fact will not turn into said ball and we will be able to hold him under his arms and butt just fine.

Ok so, I know the worst of the worst of the worst is when people complain about things when they actually finally get pregnant. So I will not be complaining.

I will not complain about the fact that I will probably still wear a maternity swim suit to the pool...or better yet an old speedo.

I will not complain that I still have a pretty dark linea negra line.

I will not complain that even though my belly grew huge when I was pregnant, it's my ass and thighs that decided to get stretch marks.

I will most definitely not complain about my 4 inch red scar from where they pulled my baby out. (I actually do kind of like it. It is a cool remembrance of just how tiny my baby once was to fit out of that scar.)

I will not complain that just about everything sags roughly a half an inch lower than it did pre-baby.

I will not complain about any of these things. You know why? Because I would take all those bad things again in a heartbeat. I would take them even if that scar was 8 inches long, and things sagged 5 inches lower, and if stretch marks were put all over my body. It would be totally worth it.

Now I'm off to go sport my ugly mom swim suit with my cutie pie kiddo in his super cool swim shorts!


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Paps and Naps

While I'm blogging, this is what I get to watch!

First things first...I DID IT! I put B in his nursery and kept him there all night. Really, the props should go to Bradley. He did it. He did wonderfully. He slept so soundly, without needing a paci, without getting his arms out, even without wiggling around much from 9pm-6:30am. He woke up to eat, and went back down for another hour. He is amazing.

I however was a wreck and didn't sleep much at all. I pretty much watched B sleep all night. I missed him. I was sad. I was thinking about it last night and it was the first night we spend apart for not only just the past 4 months, but 9 full months on top of that. B and I haven't spent a night apart for over a year, but we did last night. I know it is such a positive step for both of us, it's just still hard for me.

Now on to my pap. I feel so much better about everything that has to do with, you know, down there. Basically my doc told me that the only reason I would need to be on the pill would be to prevent pregnancy. But after hubs and I talked we realized if we got pregnant while breastfeeding, with PCOS, without having a period, that baby was MEANT to be here, and be a miracle. But come on, really, us infertiles don't accidentally get pregnant...ever.

She assured me that there should be no reason that my body should be producing cysts if I'm breastfeeding and not having periods. So basically my plan is to just wait until I'm done breastfeeding, and if I don't get a period within a few month of stopping, call the doc to get provera then start the pill.

Is summation, I am on cloud 9. My baby is happy and sleeping so comfortably. I am happy and having no worries about the girlie stuff. All is well :)


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Aww H-E Double Hockey Sticks!

The video monitor came TODAY!!! It was supposed to come tomorrow. I was totally prepared to move B into his crib tomorrow night (yeah right) but tonight just seems too early!!

It's ok, it's ok, deep breaths. I know it will be better for both of us. He will be more comfortable, and I will sleep better............eventually.

So I guess this is what I'm in store for seeing on the monitor:

My precious baby sleeping in his crib about to sneak an arm out of his swaddle. Stinker! I have started putting the swaddle up higher on his shoulders, and wrapping it a bit tighter. It sometimes works, and sometimes doesn't. Hence last night I looked over and saw my kid in a touchdown position. Or maybe he was doing the YMCA dance???

Ob apt in a few hours. Post to come on my apt. and B's first night in his crib. Wish us...or just me...luck!!


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Love Is:

-Spending half the night bent over the side of a pack n play to keep a paci in your baby's mouth.

-Putting all your groceries away with one hand because your baby wants to be held.

-Picking buggies and cleaning poop off clothes with your bare hands without flinching.

-Getting your boob out, putting your boob away, getting your boob out again, no, away again, and finally out again because now your baby is hungry.

-Receiving open mouth wet kisses.

-Letting your own limbs go numb for the sake of not moving a sleeping baby.

-Everything I feel when I see, smell, hear and feel my baby!

I recently took a moment to read back through my blog. Wow, how far I've come. I am so glad I started blogging and wish I would have started earlier. There are so many emotions I had, and things I went through that now seem like such a distant memory. It was amazing to read a few of my posts that were made when I was pregnant but hadn't yet tested to find out.

It really made me stop and think about how lucky I am, how blessed I am, and what a miracle it truly is to have a child. I know this is sort of a sappy post for my taste, but I've just been overwhelmed with emotion lately.

Maybe I'm pregnant...

JUST KIDDING. But I do remember when we were ttc and any little symptom I had I thought it must have been because of a bun in the oven.

Tomorrow is my OB apt. I will hopefully get all of my breastfeeding/pcos/period questions answered. I am hoping to stay drug free so I really don't want to be put back on the pill. The only reason I would go on the pill is if Dr. thought I had the possibility to start producing cysts again. We will see...

Love is loving my little man so much that I would go through anything, even a million times worse than what we had to go through, to get him. And I would do it a million times over!

(And again...I apologize for my gushyness. I promise my next post will be about how annoying people are who talk about how much they love their babies. I hate those people.)


Monday, March 14, 2011

Can't stay in it: Can't sleep without it

Oh Swaddle me, how I love you so. This piece of beautifully crafted, artfully stitched piece of material is a lifesaver! In fact, I think they should make them for gown ups. There are many days when I feel out of control and I'm throwing a tantrum just because I've over tired and would love someone to come in, wrap me up in this cozy thing, lay me down in a dark quiet room and let me sleep alone for a few hours. Ahh, doesn't that sound heavenly?

Well anyway my bright, strong, advanced, gifted (he he) 4 month old has completely figured out a way to get out of it. And what kills me about it, is that the arm he gets free is the first one tucked in which is the one that is doubly swaddled. Go figure. It is quit hilarious when it takes me three or four tries to finally get him in. I will get his first arm down, tuck the swaddle down under his body, reach for the other side of the swaddle to wrap around and when I look over, his first arm is completely out waving at me almost as if he is taunting me. Oh boys.

I know one might say that I'm just not wrapping him tight enough but believe me, I am. Plus I wouldn't dare wrap him any tighter because of my horrible fear of SIDS. Hence my last post topic where I can't get him out of my room at nights. Side note: the video monitor has been ordered and baby *should* be in his crib at nights per day of video arrival.

I have tried letting him take naps un-swaddled and he's still not ready. His startle reflex is still so strong that he wakes himself up every five minutes. No joke. With the swaddle he's napping 3 times a day. Two naps are for about an hour, and the middle nap is always for a good two hours sometimes even longer. You see what I mean when I say this swaddle me is a lifesaver.

PCOS update: 4 months in and still no AF. Going for an Ob appointment on Wednesday. I will debrief you all at that point. Time to go play swaddle the arm.


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I Can't Do It - Suggestions Please

I can't get Bradley out of our room at night. I just can't do it. It is so much harder than I thought it would be. (Ok, I think the moral of this whole blog post-baby is learning that EVERYTHING is harder than I thought it would be. Harder but yet so so so much more amazing as well!!)

But I mean who wouldn't want to be around this little guy 24-7?

Hubs has been great and not pressuring me to get Bradley sleeping in his nursery at night. However, I know having to tip toe around in the mornings while he's trying to get ready for work is getting old. I know he would like to go back to being able to turn the news on in the mornings. I know he would like his bedroom back.

I have finally admitted to myself, and my hubs that I think the only way I'll be able to do it is if we get a video monitor. I TRULY hope this isn't just another excuse I'm making to myself. I hope once we get a video monitor, I really will be able to leave B at nights.

Here was my list of excuses before: First I told myself that I wanted to make sure he was sleeping through the night. Well that happened like 6 weeks ago.

Then I said well sometime between 3 and 4 months. Well Bradley is 4 months and 1 week old and I am still no where near feeling ready.

Then I said well maybe once he starts sleeping without a swaddle. But then I realized that once he starts sleeping without a swaddle he will be rolling over in his sleep which scared the bajeezers out of me to not be able to see him and make sure he is still breathing.

So finally, excuses after excuses, I have realized we are going to have to break and buy a video. They are so expensive and I really never thought I would want one. But now I realize that I actually don't just want one, I NEED one.

I know the crib would be so much more comfortable for B to sleep in at nights. More comfy than the pack-n-play. He does sleep in his cribs for naps and I know he loves to wake up looking at the mobile. So I know I need to let go and do this for him, as well as hubs. It's just so hard.

Does anyone have a video monitor that they recommend? Suggestions PLEASE! I know I want one that has the option to pan and tilt the camera. I also want one that also has the light indicator that goes up and down depending on how loud the baby is.

Any suggestions would help. I know it's going to be hard to get him out of our room, but I have to do it now. If not now, it will only be harder later....when he leaves for college.