What's the matter with me?

I don't know what happened to me, or where along the way I have become the way I have become, but I am a completely different mom in one area than I ever thought I would be. I AM COMPLETELY OVER-PROTECTIVE. I know I am. I said it. I own it. I admit it. I am not going to change it. However, I've found myself needing to make excuses for it. But why? I don't need to make excuses for it. I am the mom. This is how I choose to parent, and I think I'm doing a gosh darn good job at it. I mean just look at these smiles!

So why do I feel the need to justify myself? Well actually, I already feel better just getting it out and saying it on here. But really....from as early on as I can remember I LOVED babies. I babysat any time I could, went to the nursery at church as much as my parents would let me, and pretty much played with baby dolls until I could drive. (ok, maybe not that long) But I was always soooooooooooo good with babies and I always remember loving parents that would trust me with their babies. I always told myself I would do the same when I was a mom because I remember how competent I felt as a kid and how much I wanted to be trusted around babies.

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Well that's shot to shit. It ain't happenin. But why? I don't know what it is. Is it because of all the scary horror stories I hear about sids/accidents/illness? Is it because my baby is the cutest stinkin baby I've ever seen and I want to be around him 24/7? (yes) Is it because I'm slightly the most controlling person ever? (yes) I just don't know but this is the way it is. I read another blog today that has a baby a few weeks younger than Bradley and they got a babysitter for the first time this weekend and I was having a panic attack just reading about it. It went perfectly for them, I just know I am definitely not ready for that yet. Even worse there is a wedding that hubs and I are going to in June (B will be 7 months by then) and I've already had sleepless nights thinking about it. This is not good I know. And I need to get over it I know...or do I? I mean this is the most important job of my life and who is to tell me to lighten up? Can you kill me for loving him so much and not wanting to miss a minute of his life? No you can't, and I just need to give myself permission to feel this way and know that it's ok. He is, after all, only 13 years old. HAHA check that, 4 months old.

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I think a BIG part of this whole thing is nursing. (This is just my thinking...) I think babies who are primarily nursing verses babies who primarily eat from a bottle are a little different. A girlfriend of mine was telling me the difference with her two kids. The first was fed breast milk through a bottle, and her second baby has been nursing. She said her second baby has much more of a separation anxiety then her first. That got me thinking. I nurse Bradley nearly 100% of the time; We'll go with saying I nurse him 99% of the time. So, for his entire life all he has ever known is every 2 hours, mom. Every 3 hours, mom. Every 3.5 hours, mom. Mom, mom, mom. I'm always there.

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So basically I just feel horrible and am having anxiety about leaving him for long periods of time. So is it the nursing? Is it the me feeling bad that he will miss the nursing and miss his mommy? Is it me not being able to give up the control for a long period of time. Or is it me just not wanting to miss a second of his life? After all...there is no guarantee that we will ever conceive again.............and they grow up so fast..........oh that was so scary to type.

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Tiffany

Days? Weeks? Months?

As my baby has approached the 3 month milestone I find myself telling his age in months "He's 3 months old" instead of weeks as I did previously, "He's 10 weeks old."



This got me thinking. When did I make the switch between telling his age in days, instead of weeks? I must have gone from saying, "He's 11 days old" to saying, "He's 2 weeks old" and not even realized I made the switch. How quickly they grow up! Now I'm saying his age in months and before you know it I'll be saying his age in years. Then, inevitably, he will grow so old that, like us, I will be saying his age in decades, "Oh my son is in his twenties." Oh Lordy...



Anyway, I've always found it funny, and a bit ridiculous, when people still tell their children's age in months well past the 'month-age' expiration date. No joke; I had a conversation with a woman who said her daughter was "26 months old." What? Are you being serious? Why not just say, "She just turned 2." Or say, "She was 2 in December." I mean 26 months? Get over yourself. The only person that cares about how many months old your kid is, is you. To the rest of the world she's just 2 years old, ok? lol (I wonder if she told people her daughter was 52 weeks old when she turned 1)



So in summation, if your child is walking, talking and pooping on the potty, #1 don't announce that they pooped on the potty on Facebook (a topic for another post) and #2 tell your child's age in years.



Tiffany

Happy Insemination Anniversary!

One year ago today I was inseminated.



Dreams do come true!



Keep the hope; Keep the faith!


...and tell PCOS to go suck it!

Tiffany

Irony is...

- When your 3 month old son has longer eye lashes than you do.

- Actually hoping for AF to show up.

- When your baby soils his crib sheet right after you did a load of his laundry.

- Shopping for a cute nursing bra. (Wait, that's not ironic, that's an oxymoron.)

- Having the larger breasts you've always wanted and killing your husband for even thinking about touching them.

- Bad-mouthing over protective parents then becoming one yourself.

- When "dressing up" for the day actually means wearing yoga pants verses your over-sized sweat pants.

Tiffany

Thirsty?

The beginnings of my collection...


I've really been hoping that a neighbor will come over asking for a cup of milk and I could reply, "Human or cow?" (Do neighbors even ask for a cup of milk anymore? How retro is that?)

Well anyway 3 months into this breastfeeding thing and so far that's how much I've stored up. I have no idea if that's a good or bad amount but I'm proud of every last drop of that stuff.

Actually I was thinking of the humor (as I always do) in this whole breast milk pumping situation and the far comparison I've made to our male constituents. You and I both know, because we are now experts on this subject, that its really not so much the volume of the male ejaculate that matters as the quality and mobility of it. However, every movie scene or tv sit com view of the subject makes it seem that men truly judge themselves by the amount output, and seem embarrassed when they don't come up with a lot.

Well...in our household we have a great little routine. I get up in the middle of the night to pump. Since milk is good at room temp for at least 6 hours I typically leave it in the bathroom (because that's where I pump) and hubs takes it down to the fridge in the morning when he leaves for work. So....the other morning it hit me that I have actually put some of my self worth into how much I pump. I found myself really proud to leave a bottle of 4-5oz for hubs to take in the morning, and slightly embarrassed to leave a bottle with only 2oz. How hilarious is that. I told hubs the irony in how I guess both men and woman can feel self conscious over the stupidest of things. Now he always gives me a pat on the back for a job well done, no matter the volume!

Anyway, I know I am so lucky that this whole breastfeeding thing has been going so well for me. I am also lucky that I have a munchkin that will sleep through the night. But now I'm in another predicament because some nights I just can't get myself out of bed to pump. It worries me not so much because of how much pain I am in when I wake up after not pumping, but it worries me because I'm afraid I might dry up or something if I let myself go 6-8 hours without emptying. Has anyone ever heard of that happening? If you have any advice on this I would love it.

My new mantra, "It's not the quantity, but the quality that matters."

Tiffany

Back to my old habits again...

Cup-a-noodles for lunch and beer for dinner.

Oh wait, that was college, not that far back.

I'm talking about my habit of turning to Dr. Google for every question I may have. So my little munchkin is getting ready to turn 3 months old next week and still no period. I mean I'm sure that's completely normal right? Well I turned to Dr. G.

Oh what I hate about everything pregnancy/baby. Pretty much I could write a book/article/web page and become rich by answering any question with, "Every woman is different so listen to your body" or "Every baby is different so follow your baby's lead." Ok genius, I could have come up with that answer.

But in all seriousness most of the articles I read were saying that if you ARE breastfeeding it would take up to 3 months for your body to get a period. If you weren't breastfeeding, it would take around 6 weeks. Umm....ok. So now that I am approaching my 3 month mark am I not getting my period just because of the fact that I am breastfeeding and I could be one of those "every woman is different" or am I not getting my period because PCOS is rearing it's ugly head again.

And so the questions begin............ Don't you just love infertility.

Since this blog began because of my PCOS diagnosis I wanted to keep you all posted on that. So: so far, 3 months, and nadda. I have my annual gyn appointment next month so I will post on the outcome of that and what doc says. I guess I'm just being paranoid but it's like....if I'm going to continue with PCOS and the cysts and the metformin and the pill and provera, I just want to know. I hate this waiting and questioning everything.

But at least it's comforting to know, "Every woman is different." What bullshit. :)

Tiffany