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Monday, February 28, 2011

What's the matter with me?

I don't know what happened to me, or where along the way I have become the way I have become, but I am a completely different mom in one area than I ever thought I would be. I AM COMPLETELY OVER-PROTECTIVE. I know I am. I said it. I own it. I admit it. I am not going to change it. However, I've found myself needing to make excuses for it. But why? I don't need to make excuses for it. I am the mom. This is how I choose to parent, and I think I'm doing a gosh darn good job at it. I mean just look at these smiles!

So why do I feel the need to justify myself? Well actually, I already feel better just getting it out and saying it on here. But really....from as early on as I can remember I LOVED babies. I babysat any time I could, went to the nursery at church as much as my parents would let me, and pretty much played with baby dolls until I could drive. (ok, maybe not that long) But I was always soooooooooooo good with babies and I always remember loving parents that would trust me with their babies. I always told myself I would do the same when I was a mom because I remember how competent I felt as a kid and how much I wanted to be trusted around babies.
Well that's shot to shit. It ain't happenin. But why? I don't know what it is. Is it because of all the scary horror stories I hear about sids/accidents/illness? Is it because my baby is the cutest stinkin baby I've ever seen and I want to be around him 24/7? (yes) Is it because I'm slightly the most controlling person ever? (yes) I just don't know but this is the way it is. I read another blog today that has a baby a few weeks younger than Bradley and they got a babysitter for the first time this weekend and I was having a panic attack just reading about it. It went perfectly for them, I just know I am definitely not ready for that yet. Even worse there is a wedding that hubs and I are going to in June (B will be 7 months by then) and I've already had sleepless nights thinking about it. This is not good I know. And I need to get over it I know...or do I? I mean this is the most important job of my life and who is to tell me to lighten up? Can you kill me for loving him so much and not wanting to miss a minute of his life? No you can't, and I just need to give myself permission to feel this way and know that it's ok. He is, after all, only 13 years old. HAHA check that, 4 months old.
I think a BIG part of this whole thing is nursing. (This is just my thinking...) I think babies who are primarily nursing verses babies who primarily eat from a bottle are a little different. A girlfriend of mine was telling me the difference with her two kids. The first was fed breast milk through a bottle, and her second baby has been nursing. She said her second baby has much more of a separation anxiety then her first. That got me thinking. I nurse Bradley nearly 100% of the time; We'll go with saying I nurse him 99% of the time. So, for his entire life all he has ever known is every 2 hours, mom. Every 3 hours, mom. Every 3.5 hours, mom. Mom, mom, mom. I'm always there.
So basically I just feel horrible and am having anxiety about leaving him for long periods of time. So is it the nursing? Is it the me feeling bad that he will miss the nursing and miss his mommy? Is it me not being able to give up the control for a long period of time. Or is it me just not wanting to miss a second of his life? After all...there is no guarantee that we will ever conceive again.............and they grow up so fast..........oh that was so scary to type.


FirstTimeMom said...

I think after IF we as mom's just don't want to miss a minute of our babies lives. I know this is what I'm struggling with myself. I have to go back to work on Thursday and I'm really struggling with thinking that someone else will be taking care of my baby all day long and it KILLS me! I want to be around for every second of his life because, as you said, there's just no guarantee that we will be able to conceive again. I've had to force myself to "let go" and start to get used to it. You do deserve a break every now and again. We let the in laws baby sit for a few hours last weekend and it was actually so nice to just chill with some friends at lunch and be able to eat w/o worrying about if my baby was gonna wake up or not. You will get to the point where you feel you can trust someone else with your baby but you might just have to force yourself that first time.

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

I haven't had a child, or gotten pregnant yet (dang pcos!), but I can only assume that after experiencing infertility, your being a completely normal 1st time mom. I also love his little bear looking jacket, too cute!