This morning as I sit in front of my computer I find myself contemplating the irony of my situation. I feel as if I have totally gone FULL CIRCLE in my infertility journey and I find myself back at the beginning. Well, obviously not totally at the beginning because I do realize I've had success and there is a baby in my belly, however I find myself mentally and physically going through the actions I had gone through for months ttc.
Oh the irony...
I know I need to "relax" and let labor happen when it happens. But still, hearing that word "relax" or the phrase "relax, it will happen" still makes my ears burn and my spine cringe. I couldn't relax then, and I sure as hell can't relax now.
Also, how the hell can I relax, or the other dreaded, "try not to think about it" when that's literally the only thing I possibly can think about??? First off, I have weekly OB appointments and my doctor's office calls 2 days in advance to remind me of the appointment, therefore, I'm literally having to deal with my OB every 2-3 days. Umm, right. You try not to think about it.
Not to mention the daily reminder of my boobs resting on my stomach, which rests on my thighs, which take longer to stand up on. Yeah right, you try not to think about that.
Plus, I am back to the TP obsession phase of my life. Every wipe. Every single wipe deserves at least a 30 second clinical inspection. Was that my mucus plug? Is there a bloody show? Could that have been my water breaking?
Now, there is only one reason I do anything in life anymore. "Let's go on a walk. It might help me go into labor." "Let's eat Mexican. It might help me go into labor." "Let's clean the house all day. It might help me go into labor." "Let me buy this really expensive diaper bag I want. It might help me go into labor." (Ok that last one might have been stretching it.)
Oh, and let's not even mention the obsession I have once again with my boobs. "Are they getting more tender?" "Is that colostrum seeping out?" "Are my nipples ready?" "Will I produce enough milk?"
Lastly there is the analysis of every little twinge my body feels. This time it's not wondering if that twinge was my ovary trying to ovulate, or the embryo trying to implant. This time it's the wondering if this twinge is the onset of a real contraction that will hurt. Or maybe it's my cervix thinning. Or maybe it's my baby coming out to say hi!
It just amazes me how sometimes you can feel like you've come so far, yet feel like you're right back where you started. Well, right back where you started with a tiny human in your belly :)