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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Weak or Strong?

I don't know what happened. I used to think I was a pretty tough person. I've always been really strong, I can handle pain, I'm not afraid of many things, whenever I've fallen, I've always got right back up, dusted myself off, and got back in the game.
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Well let me tell you this whole pregnancy thing has taken me completely out of the game, and left me black and blue on the sidelines, vomiting profusely.
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All these symptoms are really playing with my mind. I mean I get so mad at myself like I should be able to get up and feel just fine. It's like after all I've been through (or we've been through talking about anyone struggling with infertility) you'd think we could just fight the yuck feeling.
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For example: I've taken needles to the body like a champ for the last year and a half without even a grimace of pain.
I've swallowed pills that alter my mood, body temp, mind, stomach, bowl movements and hormones like they were candy.
I've peed on my hand so many times while trying to pee on a stick and just shrugged it off like it was water.
I've laid through one of the most talked about painful procedures the HSG and told the Doc it was nothing and my pain level was at a 4.
I've had so many things up my Hoo-ha such as metal things, cameras, catheters and yet never lost an ounce of respect for myself.
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Now here I am, a slave to my couch and my porcelain thrown, feeling like a complete baby (no pun intended).
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This whole experience so far has really taken be back and made me realize there is something so much bigger going on here than me. My body is really not my own anymore. My body is purely here for the reason to bake this little cupcake inside me. It's obvious this baby already has me weak in the knees!! (and in the stomach!)
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Tiffany

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

1st Ultrasound


Well there it is! Our ONE little cupcake!!
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Our appointment today was amazing. I could see it right away when the camera went in. I could also spot the little flutter of the heart beating right away. I had to point it out to hubs, but then he could see it. It was so amazing. It is such a relief knowing that there is a healthy little baby with a heart beat in my uterus!
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The doc did look around to see if there was another one, or to see if there was anything else going on in my tubes or my ovaries. There wasn't. All clean! She did say however that I most definitely did ovulate from more than one follicle, however there was only one that fertilized. "Just how we like to start off" as my doc said to us. We had talked about the possibility of there being more than one so much that I think we had almost talked ourselves into it, however, I do think there was a sigh of relief on hubs face to know there was just one.
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The estimated due date is...November 10th! We'll have a little baby for the holidays!
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As for now I'm to continue taking Metformin until week 12, and continue all other pre-natals. It was a bitter sweet appointment today, as it was our last appointment with Dr. Miracle Worker. She has released us back to my regular Ob. I have already called and got an appointment set for next week on Wednesday. Maybe they'll let me see my baby again with another ultrasound!! I can only hope!!
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Tiffany

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Congratulations! You're Sick As Hell!

See that picture...it's my stomach...and it's laughing at me. It is playing mind games to the worst degree, it is teasing me, it is calling me names, and it is totally beating me to a pulp.
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It's hard be believe at one point, I cried, and yearned and wanted this to happen so badly. I know, I am still so lucky, and so blessed, and would never ask for things to be different but ............ Oh sorry, I just dry heaved.
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So I'm 6.5 weeks in and I'm feeling miserable, so I guess that means, I'm doing great! All day long there is a constant battle between my mind and my stomach. The game usually starts with a crampy, upset, nausea feeling. Then I'll get a craving of some kind. Then all of a sudden it's like if I don't get that certain food in my stomach right now, I'm just going to hurl all over the place. So then, once I finally give in, and eat whatever food I'm craving, all of a sudden I feel like I'm back to wanting to puke and even the thought of that certain food will make me gag. So then I try and sleep it off, and 3 or 4 hours later when I start to get hungry, the cycle repeats itself. All - day - long.
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So far the best cure I've found for my stomach battle has been sleep. I'm so tired. I've been going to bed around 8 or 8:30pm, and sleeping until about 7 or 7:30. So that's about 11 hours sleep a night. Plus you can add in a couple hour naps throughout the day. What a slug I am.
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But of course, I'm not complaining...oh no...I couldn't do that...I'm just documenting my experiences. Hubs and I are getting SOOO excited for our u/s on Tuesday. The closer it gets here the more scared I'm becoming. I'm so scared there won't be a heart beat or it will be ectopic. I know I just keep saying the same thing but the closer the day gets here the fear is becoming almost paralyzing. Only 3 more days!
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Tiffany

Monday, March 15, 2010

6 Weeks


Cupcake is 6 weeks old today. Happy Birthday Cupcake!! Boy, they do grow up fast.
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Unfortunately, instead of being at my favorite Dr's office without my pant on, hopefully seeing a beautiful little egg sack (or two) in my uterus, I'm stuck in class today. But that is ok...as anxious as I am, I'm ok with waiting another week. By next week we are sure that the heart will be beating strong enough to hear it, not just see it. I've heard that sometimes at 6 weeks you can't hear it yet. So as non-patient as I am, I'm ok with waiting another week.
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Over the weekend my girlfriend who is preggo with her second baby gave me a butt-load of books that I just "have" to read. Holy cow. One book was the list of 60,000 baby names. That one was fun. Also she gave me both Jenny McCarthy "Belly Laughs" books. I read the first one cover to cover last night. It is an easy read, but even for me (a non-reader) that was very impressive. She is hilarious and so are her cooks. I definitely recommend her book to anyone. (As long as you won't get offended by an F-bomb here or there. Which we all know, I am quit partial too).
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Other books I received are books all about breast feeding and such. Yikes, too early to be thinking about all that. Also there was a book on vaccine's. I haven't started that one yet, but that whole debate freaks me out too. I'm very lucky that I trust my ObGyn as much as I do. I'm sure when I get released back to her, she can help me figure all that stuff out.
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Until then, I wait for one more week to pass by. So far, SO GOOD!!
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Tiffany

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The 2WW Feeling


I feel like I'm stuck in the 2WW. I know, I know, I'm in a MUCH BETTER PLACE than the 2WW, but that's how long (from yesterday) I'll have to wait until our first ultra sound. My RE likes to do them at 6weeks. That would be next week on Tuesday. Since I'm still in class next week I have to wait until week 7.
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The exciting part is that hopefully by 7weeks the heart will be strong enough so we can HEAR it, not just see it. That is going to be so amazing I can't even tell you.
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I'm still scared S***less that it could be ectopic, or that I will miscarry at any moment. Any little twinge I feel I wonder it that was a twinge in my tube or something. I know the worry will never go away, even through the whole pregnancy. That's just a part of being a parent I guess!
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What does make me feel better is what my friend told me. I guess for every week that passes, your chances of miscarry decrease. That's a relief! So basically a woman has a lower chance of miscarrying during her 8th week compared to her 5th week. So with every day down, we celebrate!
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I still can't get over that there might be more than one Cupcake baking in there. How fun would that be? Since my husband is a twin, I just think his whole family would flip!
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So far I've had headaches and a few stomach crampie days. I wouldn't really call it nausea, just some cramping. I haven't necessarily felt fatigue either (maybe because I'm in class and I KNOW I have to stay alert) but I have been going to bed at 8:30!! :)
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The last change I've noticed is hubs. I've actually noticed he's already been a little bit more sweet to me, getting me things when I mention them, asking if I need anything. He's so freakin adorable. I could get used to this...Stay Cupcake! Please stay with me!!!
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Tiffany

Monday, March 8, 2010

I am an Aunt!

One thing I have failed to mention throughout this whole TTC rig-a-maro, is that even through the ups and downs, highs and lows, there was a precious little baby out there waiting to be born who would one day call me Aunt (for the first time!)
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That day has come! Precious little Charles Thomas ****** was born March 7, 2010. A healthy baby boy. Charlie was 6lbs 9oz and 20.5 inches long. Mommy, my best friend and Sister-in-law is doing great. Daddy, my hubs identical twin brother is doing fantastic too and couldn't sound more proud and excited.
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They both live and delivered in the DC area. We are hoping to be able to get there for a visit end of April. This little munchkin is the first grandchild on both sides so he has many eagerly waiting family members to meet him.
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The whole conception, pregnancy, delivery process is still so amazing to me. It's such a miracle. I still find it hard to believe how it can even happen at all, especially without the help of a fertility clinic! lol. I just hope and pray that my little cupcake (the size of an orange seed right now, and resembling a tadpole with a tail) makes it all the way to see it's birthday!
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I love you Charlie! I love you A and J, and am so excited for you. You are going to be wonderful parents, and I'm so excited to watch you grow through this new phase in your lives. I can't wait to meet my little Nephew!
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Tiffany

Friday, March 5, 2010

A New Experience


That's how it felt at my RE's office today, like a totally new experience. It felt like there was a spotlight shining on me and before entering each room, the curtains were drawn.
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It first started off by me walking in. Typically the office manager does not look up or say anything when you walk in. Seriously, you could hear a pin drop. I would just sign my name on the sign-in sheet and sit down. Well today it was, "Good morning" with a great big smile. Plus there were two more smile and nods toward me when we caught each other's eye contact. It's almost like when we continued to come in after each failed cycle, she wouldn't dare look at us in the eyes. But now however, she no longer feels like the evil woman who takes my credit card after a BFN, she can now be the nice woman who smiles.
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Then, the nurse came and got me. Luckily there was nobody else in the waiting room because she opened the door with a big, "Congratulations!" (I would have felt horrible if there were other infertiles out there to hear that.) Finally, when I was back in the room getting my blood taken another nurse pops her head in to say, "I hear congratulations are in order!" Wow, you would have thought I was just nominated for president or something!
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My blood work phone call was returned promptly before the time they had given me.
HcG = 767
Progesterone = 38.5
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Both awesome numbers. Anything above 5 for HcG means your pregnant. Anything above 15 for progesterone is good. So I don't need any supplements, or to re-take my blood.
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Next on my list of course was to compare my HcG with the "average" Singleton chart. Now I know every woman is so different and it's hard to put an average on it but...
I am currently 17dpo (days past ovulation)
Average minimum and maximum for a Singleton 17dpo is anywhere between 17-429.
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Again my level was 767. Could I have two peanuts cooking in there?
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Oh boy, we will wait to see. All I know is we had at least 4 mature follicles during our last ultrasound....and I can't wait until our next ultrasound. They wanted to see me on week 6 a.k.a. March 16th. Because that is my last week still in class we had to push it to week 7 on March 23. I can't wait!!
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Tiffany

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Hell No We Won't Flow!

Ahh. It's so unbelievable to wake up at the end of your 2ww and not have AF waiting for you!! I must say in the last two days I've been worried.
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First off, my CM has been out of control. I mean, there were MANY times yesterday when I felt so much moisture down there that I freaked out and ran to the bathroom thinking that AF had started, and it had all been a chemical pregnancy. I can't tell you how frightening that still is for me.
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Second, I've been having cramping. And no, I guess it's not exactly like period cramping, it's felt more like a tightness, but it's still worry some. Plus, sometimes I feel like it's tight more toward one side so I'm currently freaking out that it would be ectopic.
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The one thing I have learned through this whole process is once and infertile...always an infertile. You will always triple guess, think the negative, and plan for failure. It's all we know. But just in case....I did have to check up on my pee

Pfew...see what I mean about triple check?
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For now I have to wait till Friday. Because of a new career move, I've started Real Estate classes this week. My schedule is mon-thur 8am-5:30. Very exhausting. Therefore, I won't be able to get to my RE until Friday. Yesterday when I called the office it sounded like this, "Um, Hi good morning. This is Tiffany ***** and I got, well three positive pregnancy tests and this has never happened before so I don't know what to do." The lady, "Well you'll come in for blood work. If you come before 10 we'll have the results for you by the end of the day." Me," Well, I actually have started class and can't come until Friday. Is that ok? Will something be wrong if I wait?" Her (in a very weird voice, thinking like, shouldn't this girl want to drop everything for a positive pregnancy test) said, "Sure you can wait, YOU can do what ever you like. If you want to come Friday, I'll mark you down Friday." Me,"Ok great, what time?" Her, "Um, whenever, in the morning." Me (annoyed) "OK....I'll be there right at 9 then.
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It kills me that I have to wait that long, but I do. It kills me that I have to sit in a 9 hour class everyday, but I do. Infertility always gets the last laugh......this month (because the fact that I AM now unemployed and I am starting a new career) would have actually made sense if I didn't get pregnant. We could have said timing was off, and now I'll have more time to build up my business. But NOPE...Infertility says "You're out of work, laid off, your in training....what a perfect time to get you knocked up!
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Tiffany