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Monday, April 25, 2011

NIAW

Happy NIAW, if you can even really even be happy about that.



National Infertility Awareness Week is so powerful, I think it should have it's own month. Or better yet, it's own day each month and it shall be called, NIAW CD1.



I know what I'm about to write might sound ridiculous, but for some reason tonight I have to get it off my chest. I am so lucky. I know this every. single. day. But however this year during NIAW I feel awkward, unworthy, out of sorts, and just plain weird.



I find myself sitting here tonight catching up on blogs: I find myself reading stories of fellow bloggies's third and fourth IVF cycle's failing, stories of d&c's, and stories hope and despair. I read about "Spread the word!" , "It's NIAW!" But then I feel like I am not worthy of claiming infertility because I did get pregnant via IUI. Even though I spent 21 months of my life dealing with PCOS and DR. apts and medication and testing and needle pricks, I technically only spent 4 months on medicated iui cycles of hard core ttc.



I know this is ridiculous but in some ways I feel not worthy of "celebrating" NIAW because I now have a beautiful healthy (almost) 6 month old at home.



I hate how infertility fucks with you.



One month/year you're not even worthy of getting your period after a failed cycle, then the next year you're feeling like you're not even worthy of feeling sorry for yourself for all the struggles you went though........thus you realize, so many others have had to struggle more.



Hence: The following is what hubs was dealing with today at an all male work environment.



The conversation was something like; Oh so-and-so has all girls, and so-and-so is pregnant again, and so-and-so has fifty-fucking-five easily conceived children, oh and You (my husband) well at least you had a boy so the pressure is off. WHAT? WTF DOES THAT MEAN? No! The pressure isn't off because he cannot just look at my vagina and get me pregnant like obviously you can with your wife. No, just because we've conceived one baby does not mean the pressure is off because we would like to conceive more.



I know this is so hard for some people to read because "at least I have a baby!" But I still feel that tormenting anguish of the fear of never being able to conceive again. So in the spirit of that feeling....happy NIAW!


Tiffany

2 comments:

Danielle said...

You definitely deserve to have all these feelings but you are so worthy of being a mom! i'm so sorry to hear about your struggles conceiving! i wish it wasn't so hard for people to have as many kids as they would like :/ it is just not fair! you went through alot i am sure and some people are so rude and unthoughful about that! I think you should celebrate that you made it through your struggles and have such a handsome little man! like my dad always told me, 'you can't fix stupid' and unfortunately that is what alot of people are these days!!

SurlyMama said...

Happy NIAW to you :)

I think it's like the Marines. Once an infertile, always an infertile. Even if you are successful I don't think you're ever out of the club. Especially as long as your family isn't complete. Best of luck to you.