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Thursday, June 24, 2010


I think there is one thing that all infertiles have in common no matter if you had to use the beginning stages of a.r.t. or advanced stages of a.r.t. and that one thing is WORRY.
My heart especially goes out to women who have experienced loss. I truly keep you and all your little angels in my prayers and think your amazingly strong woman to pick yourself back up from your bootstraps and get back on with life. I think all these struggles of trying and trying and trying, and then failing and failing and failing over and over again leave us with a slightly tainted joy during pregnancy.
I was watching a show in which an obgyn dr. was talking about women who get pregnant again after a miscarriage. She was explaining how none of them truly "believe" they will have a baby until the baby is actually in their arms after delivery. Bless their hearts.
Now again, I have not experienced a loss like that so I can't say I know to the full extent what that heart ache feels like. What I can speak to is the constant worry that something is, or will go wrong with this pregnancy like all my other attempts have gone wrong.
I'm getting to the point (ok, who am I kidding...) I've BEEN at the point where I over analyze every single thing that is, or isn't happening. For instance, I haven't mentioned this before but I have a low lying placenta. It is not covering my cervix (thank God) therefore it isn't quite placenta previa, but it is still cause for concern. Because of this, I will be having another ultrasound around 24 weeks. (Yay, I guess...getting a good thing out of a bad situation.) So therefore, I worry about this everyday and hope that it won't cause early labor.
This brings me to my second huge worry. The kicks. I know I'm only 20 weeks and my dr. said it's normal for a first time mom to not feel much yet but I don't....feel much of anything. Around 16.5 weeks I started to feel my first flutters. It was amazing. I was like wow, there's really something in there. However, around 18 weeks it kind of stopped. In our ultrasound at 19 weeks the baby looked healthy and was moving all over the place. He is laying and always snuggling into the placenta (I swear he loves that thing) so the dr. said I probably just can't feel him yet because his movements are cushioned by the placenta. I know, I know, that when he gets bigger and stronger I will be able to feel him more but I just worry. Every hour of every day that goes by and I'm not feeling anything I really get freaked out that....well you know....I think the worse. I just had another regular check up 3 days ago and the heart was beating perfectly. I recorded it on my phone so I can keep reminding myself that everything is ok.
So I guess the moral of this post is that it sucks to feel like just because getting pregnant was such a struggle, that naturally my pregnancy will be a struggle also. But I guess all this worry will just get us ready for motherhood....right?


Kim said...

I am so sorry you are robbed of the joy of pregnancy. Some women will never know what we go through, but I also believe there is certain depth of loved that will be reasched by us that no others will ever know or experience. I think it's a double edged sword. So enjoy what you can while you can because no natter the outcome, you ARE pregnant right now with a beautiful healthy baby inside you right now! I just read a post on this topic today and thought it was really good, check it out if you haven't already:



Lindsay Logic said...

I had a friend whose Mom was a labor and delivery nurse, and when she got pregnant, she gave her a stethoscope, so that she could listen to her baby's heartbeat. (In those times of distress) I know that she got great comfort in those times where she wasn't feeling much movement. I wonder if you could buy one somewhere? (It might be kinda fun to hear, too!)

Good luck!

Leslie said...

Happy ICLW! I am 23 weeks along and feeling similar worries especially about the am kicks/movement! I have an anterior placenta and I know that softens the kicks but it is still very worrying when my little guy is quiet! I am glad they are keeping a close eye on you with an additional u/s in a couple weeks! I did buy a home doppler, which helps me a lot as well!

Lindsay said...

Wow, we really did post about the same thing. Thats so funny.

Anyway, I also have a low-lying/anterior placenta (the joy of having two) and haven't been feeling the kicks and movements yet... and I have two in there! I keep trying to remind myself its normal, but I'm like you... its hard. But our boys will be just fine!!

Strange Girl said...

I agree that once you lose a baby you never expect to take home a baby until you're holding them in your arms, healthy. And it's easy to worry when it's been so hard to get to pregnancy. Have faith! I hope your little guy gives you plenty of notice very soon that he's in there and all is good.

Mrs. S said...

I'm sorry you're plagued with this worry. I hope that with the extra checkup you'll be able to find some peace and be able to enjoy your pregnancy.

Do you do yoga? That might help you with your mindset and stress management. I LOOOOVE yoga and do it often.

s said...

the flutters are amazing, aren't they?
so surreal.
take long deep breaths, and enjoy every moment.
one day at a time. if that is too much, one moment at a time will surely get you through.
wait until you feel the baby kick. that is so awesome! it's thrilling how much you love this baby and you don't even know him/her yet. the amount of love is really something!

daega99 said...

I feel what you're saying. I am so scared that something will go wrong and I won't make it successfully to the end of this particuar journey. I want so badly to enjoy every moment but worry creeps in...