"You've got a line-maker"

Those were the words my husband spoke this morning, "You've got a line maker in there!" How cute is that? It has been the happiest morning of our life. A miracle has happened, and this is how beautiful it looks...

That's what my pee did this morning. Can you believe it? Even through all this joy, and heart warming bliss, there is obviously still worry and I want you to know I'm still a realist. I do know that there is a chance this could be an ectopic pregnancy. I do know there is an extreme high chance of a miscarry due to my PCOS, and high testosterone levels. I do realize (besides my Internet friends) I will not share this wonderful info with ANYONE until after my 12 week apt. But until then...

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I will be ecstatic! I've never seen a positive before. It looks so pretty, doesn't it? As you know I've been fighting with myself for about 5 days now on testing early or not. Everyday I would ask my husband if I could test and he would always reply, "No, why would you do that to yourself and risk a false negative?" I don't know why I wanted to do that to myself, I just did! Well last night, during the Olympics, I turned to him and asked if he thought it to be OK if I test in the morning (Sunday, i.e. 2 days before my next period.) He simply responded, "YES". Well, you would have thought I would have been happy getting the answer I wanted, but I wasn't. I was instantly terrified. Terrified that I now had the OK to potentially get heartbreaking news.

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Well all night I thought about it. In fact, I was wide awake at 5am with the urge to pee. I lied there for a good 20 min freaking out. I finally actually talked myself out of it. I got up, peed, and went back to bed. Well I couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to get up. I did however sneak back into the bathroom to grab a pregnancy test...just in case. I came downstairs and did my morning routine, let the dogs out, fed the dogs, and went for my morning tea. I sat down in front of my computer to check up on blogs and I drank. There it was, the urge to pee again. I finally decided to go for it. Oddly enough, I decided to get a cup to pee in (which I never usually do). I got to the bathroom and then peed in the cup. I then looked at my watch and decided to do it all by the books, exactly 5 seconds in the pee, cover it up, lay it flat and wait exactly 3 minutes. When I waited I covered it up with a magazine. When 3 minutes passed I stood there. I looked at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath and began to slowly slide the magazine off.

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I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT THAT MOMENT FELT LIKE!!!

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Needless to say I ran upstairs to share the moment with hubs. Truly beautiful. The fact that he called my bun in the oven a "Line-Maker" is so adorable to me.

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I cannot thank you enough for all your wonderful prayers and thoughts. There is a true power in prayer. I will continue to pray for you all as I appreciate your continued prayer!

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Tiffany

I Eat My Feelings

I have never been an emotional eater. A bored eater, yes, but never emotional. Actually, I have more of a history of not eating when I'm stressed or emotional than over-eating.

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Thanks to infertility, that has all changed. I have been eating my feelings. Why? I don't know. I don't know if eating something is calming to the constant worry. I don't know if it's because at least for that split second I can think about the food and not my uterus. Or, I don't know if it's the fact that if I eat enough, I then in turn get a stomach ache, and then for those few hours I can sit and wonder if my stomach ache is pregnancy cramps.

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Wow, I'm screwed up. I mean it's only 7:30am and I've already ate my feelings to the point I want to vomit. I know hubs, this is so attractive. As if my oatmeal and coffee wasn't enough, I had to follow it up with a muffin and another coffee. Yack. (But don't those hot dogs look good?)

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So I've officially gone off the deep end this cycle. It seems to get worse and worse each one. I was thinking back yesterday on the day last cycle I got my period. You know, I don't even remember being sad, I just remember thinking "OK, call the doc, get on the meds, let's get this thing going again." But now, I feel if AF comes I'll just be devastated. Maybe it's a "survival mode" thing. I mean maybe when AF does come I just kick it into auto-pilot and do what has to be done. Maybe this 2WW part is the worst part, the waiting, the wishing, the feeling. I think when the negative news hits I don't even feel anymore, I just jump into action.

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Did I mention how badly I want to POAS?

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Tiffany

Hanging In There

Hello friends. First off I know every one's reaction out there. "Who holds there kid like that? Who puts a do-rag on their kid? Who pawns pictures of their kid out on the internet? These people can be parents and I can't?" I know, I know, that was my initial reaction as well, nonetheless it's cute.

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This picture depicts how I feel. Just hanging around, waiting for an answer. The 2ww never gets any easier even if you've had 752 months to practice it. I fight with myself everyday, especially now that I'm within 6 days of AF. Every time I have to pee I go for the stick...then lightning strikes and I back away. I know, it's amazing, I've been struck 18 times already. It's a constant battle and every piss/wipe/flush completed without a stick is a success for me. Baby steps. (Aww DAMN, did I have to say the word baby?)

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During the wait I also think, A LOT, as you already have noticed. Today I sat down to write this entry and I stopped. I realized, I have nothing else witty to say, nothing clever, nothing funny...I have finally reached the BLAH point in my infertility....oh no my life is over!

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As you can see, at least I'm still in the mellow-dramatic stage of infertility. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there will be some more funny moments down the road to share. For example the time after my lovely vagina wand experience and hubs looked over and told me, "Your putting your underwear on inside out!" Which I wasn't, "Um no, thanks honey for your help, but I have been dressing myself for 27 years now."

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Or there's the funny fact that the SAME pharmacist always checks me out and reminds me every time that, "Clomid IS NOT covered on your insurance, are you sure you wish to proceed?" "Wait Ma'am No! $15 is just too much to spend to start a family, stop all proceedings!"

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Well that's enough ramblings for today. I'm off to go stare at the pregnancy test box again for another ten minutes until I decide to pee on the toilet without using it. Later!

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Tiffany

Another Award? Me? Wow!

Thanks so much to Holly over at Ready To Be A Mom. She is awesome and so is her blog. I invite you all to check it out, or at least send her positive thoughts as she is starting the second phase of her first IVF cycle.

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I have to list 10 Things That Make My Day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award as well, and then you'll have the award and they'll have the award too. Don't forget they'll have to do the same... list 10 Things and 10 Blogs to earn the award (then of course copy the pic of the award to your computer and paste/upload the award pic to your own blog post saying that you received this award with your 10 and 10). Here goes...

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10 Things That Make My Day:

1. Knowing I can wake hubs up in the middle of the night to tell him I'm cold and to hold me.

2. Hubs makes my coffee everyday, even though he doesn't drink coffee.

3. Coming home to my two dogs who are always so happy to see me.

4. Walking around the corner from one room to the next and having my two dogs still elated to see me as if I haven't been home in 3 months.

5. Reality TV. Especially cop shows, detective shows, homicide shows...I can always scope out the bad guy.

6. Tootsie Rolls

7. Fresh cut flowers on my kitchen table.

8. Laughing. Hubs and I laugh every day, very often. I love it. Though he's probably laughing at me.

9. New magazines in the mail.

10. Knowing hubs is happy, and family is healthy.

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10 Blogs I Pass This On To:

1. The A.R.T of Baby Making

2. I did, I do, I will

3. For The Love Of Shoes, And A Baby Too

4. Our Emotional Journey

5. Waiting for Baby: Our Adoption Journey Chronicles

6. Waiting Lisa

7. Passenger Wanted

8. Fertility Chick

9. Busted Plumbing

10. After the Alter - also doing a fabulous giveaway

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These are only a few of the fabulous blogs I read. Check them out!

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Tiffany

Irony and the "Of Course I'm Not Pregnant" Moment

Well isn't' this just great. I'm not pregnant, I just know it.
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OK then, after that upbeat opener let me explain. We all know, and I'm as true of a believer as they come, that pre-pregnancy symptoms are a MYTH. Therefore, I'm finding it so ironic that I'm having them. Ironic and disheartened because since I'm having these mythical symptoms that do not exist, then therefore it is just too good to be true and of course I'm not pregnant. (Don't ask, this is just how my brain works. There is always a crazy double-negative, or a 'you do this it means that', or an opposite-day kind of reaction in my brain. My poor husband.)
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Example: All night and all day today I've had terrible nausea. Reasoning: It must have been some bad chicken salad that I ate. Ex: I've been craving "rich" foods like pancakes and french toast. Reasoning: It's winter, it's cold, there's snow outside and I need comfort food. Ex: I am extremely tired and napping everyday. Reasoning: I did wake up at 4:30 for work today, also could be a little depressed, and sleeping is care-free. Ex: I'm peeing a lot and it smells weird. Reasoning: I'm drinking more water and duh, the rich foods are making my pee smell different.
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So as you can see there is a CLEAR explanation for all me pre-pregnancy symptoms and none of them is a bun in the oven. Man, just when I though I was putting on my Hopeful Halo this month, Negative Nancy is back in full effect.
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Happy Monday everyone! Now I'm off to the bathroom then to take a nap.
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Tiffany

Sunday Funday

Hello out there and thank you all for joining me today. Please allow me to introduce you to my most favorite commercial of all time. Now, I know there has been many new one's out during the Super Bowl and also during these Olympics, however none have touched me close to my heart as the Geico Pothole Commercial. (and not this is not an endorsement, I don't even carry geico insurance....but anyway)

(I couldn't get the video to post, so follow the link here)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjMUfIKktWU

I'm not sure what it is that I find so hilarious about it. Weather it's the ditsy girls voice, or the fact that a pothole is talking, it is pure comedy to me. It got me thinking how hilarious it would be to use this commercial as inspiration of how to answer those annoying ,"I thought you'd have kids by now" or, "Why don't you have kids yet, when will you try" questions. How fabulous would that be if I was actually able to pull off the following act after one of those questions.

First, after the question I would look around with a shocked look on my face. Then in the most ditsy voice I can muster up I would say, "Shoot! I got no kids. Cus I'm an infertile? Sooooooo.."

Ha ha, that's just a funny thought. Tuesday is the end of my first weeks wait. I do not have to go get my progesterone checked this month which is nice. After that I will be plagued with the ever so horrifying test early or wait predicament. I'm getting nervous again as I don't "feel" pregnant. What do you think? Would you test early?

Tiffany

More Thoughts and TMI

Ok, earmuffs children, earmuffs. This might be a little TMI (too much information) for some of you out there, and hubs might kill me, but I'm willing to take that chance.
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So today in reading some of my fellow bloggies blog's I noticed a trend that I have not been following. I have realized that some RE's consider an IUI to have 2 insemination's. So basically after your HCG shot you have an appointment for your first insemination, followed by a second insemination on the same time the following day. Other doctors feel like they are "covering all bases" by doing that just to make sure the timing is right. WELL WHAT THE HECK, WHY ISN'T MY DR. BETTER BE A MIRACLE WORKER COVERING ALL MY BASES? All of a sudden I felt like second base was wide open ready to be stolen by AF. "Quick Mr. Shortstop get your egg, I mean ass on that base and cover it!"
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So, in a freaking out panic (because of course now that I know this information obviously my IUI wasn't good enough and did not work) I desperately call my husband to make sure he was coming home for lunch. Yes I did, and I'm sure you can predict what my intentions were....To make him the most tasty lunch he'd ever had, rub his back and blow in his ear, and get him in the sack before he headed back to work.
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Phew!
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Crisis averted. However I can't say I completely feel better about the situation because there's still the fact that my RE might not be covering all bases.
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I know they say every other day is the best, but I'm beginning to get into panic mode. Next month we're doing it every day and twice on Tuesdays. WAIT! There won't be a next month, right?!?!?
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Tiffany

2WW and Random Thoughs

Oh the places and infertile's mind will go. It's scary really. 3 Years ago it would have never dawned on me that I'd be putting so much thought into cervical mucous, or sitting shotgun holding a Thermos of sperm.
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Nonetheless here I am, and my thoughts are uncontrollable. So yesterday I actually was thinking about the sperm clinic. I noticed when they took hubs back, they took him down a different hall, to a different room. Why did they do that I wonder? Is it because each room has different "material" and they don't want him to get bored with this whole experience. I wonder if the nurse looked at his chart and thought, "He was in the Young Bimbo's room last time so we should put him in the Housewife Hotties room today." How hilarious would that be?
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On the way driving back to pick our guys up hubs asked a question which got us to thinking. What would happen if you got preggers through IUI and your baby popped out not looking like you at all. For example if it was a completely different ethnicity than you or your hubs or anyone in your family. What would happen? Would you look for your guys to see if they resulted in a pregnancy for another mom? Oh boy, I'm sure that would be a hefty settlement if that ever happened.
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After having this conversation you can imagine how disturbed we were when we got back to the clinic for pickup and the other lady behind the desk took a look at us and said, "Oops, wrong Thermos." "WHAT?" That is definitely NOT something you want to hear at a semen analysis clinic. Well, that and, "I'm sorry we dropped it. Can you do it again?"
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There you have it. I'm only on day 2 of my 2WW and all my thoughts are about sperm. You know what they say, "Think Fertile Thoughts!"
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Tiffany

In the Danger Zone

Well, well, well. I don't know what it is about my insemination days and pornographic material but I'll tell you what, I'm seeing a pattern. Last month when I googled images for "girl with legs up" I received quit a shock. So today, I google images under the keyword "danger" and holy smokes, naked women everywhere. Who would have thought?
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So, with a little modification to "danger sign" I have my graphic and I will continue to my topic. As skeptical as I am, as critical as I am, and as pessimistic as I am, I have somehow allowed myslef to slip into the zone...the DANGER ZONE.
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I have actually allowed myself to daydream of what it's going to be like to get those blessed two lines and show my husband. I've imagined how it will feel to actually get to tell my parents they are going to be grandparents. I've thought about sending an Uncle card to my brother, and yes, yes, as exciting as it will be I've even thought about my "pregnant post" to tell all you wonderful people. Oh boy what have I gotten myself into?
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I've stopped even letting myself go to the danger zone for months now because it's just too painful when I get the BFN. I don't know what is so different about this month that I've been able to pretty much break all the rules that I'd set for myself. If I believed in signs, I'd hopefully say this is a big one. Maybe I'm acting different, because the outcome will be different. I can only hope.
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Today's IUI was perfect. Now, we might have come across as being slightly too eager, seeing as we were at the door to the clinic before the worker came to open up with the keys, AND we were pulling in to our RE's office the same time our doc was. "Well hello Dr. Better Be A Miracle Worker Or I Expect 100K By Next Christmas, how are you this morning? Here, let me get the door for you since you've seen my vagina this year more than my husband!"
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The good news is that since my progesterone level was so high last cycle, and we didn't change my clomid dose, I do not need to get my progesterone checked next week. So, all there's left to do is W A I T!
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Tiffany

Happy Velentine's Day! Have a shot!

Yippy!! WAIT!
No.
No.
No.

Not that kind of shot.

Ah, yes. This kind of shot. Right in the arrss.

So great news at our appointment this morning. On the right side we found one follie that was 26mm (the biggest follie we've ever seen)! Plus, another one tucked behind the ovary that was roughly in the teens. On the left we found another follie that was 17mm. Great stuff! After talking about it with our RE we've decided to take the HCG shot, (a.k.a. trigger shot) to induce ovulation. She explained to us that after a failed IUI of detecting my own LH surge, this is the next step.

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It was also exciting to know that things this month seem to be moving along quicker then they ever have in the past. Typically, I ovulate around CD19. This month, my follies have grown big enough to ovulate on CD15. In my book a shorter cycle is a better cycle, I'm sick of this 36 day crap! We're not sure exactly why I'm mysteriously having shorter cycles. It could possibly be because this is my first full cycle on metformin. Or it could be because I've tried to be slightly healthier: i.e.no drinking, much much less running and lifting weights. Who knows.

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So far this has been a Valentine's day to remember. It started off great with a vaginal ultrasound, "Good morning uterus!" It was then followed by a nice hefty out-of-pocket bill. Then it was off to brunch to celebrate all while there was a syringe in my purse with two needles. "Psst, excuse me miss, there are no metal detectors in Mimi's Cafe right?" Finally it will end with a good ole shot in the butt. I'm beaming!

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Could this be it? Could this really be MY month?

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Tiffany

Feeling Blah

So far this cycle I'm unsure how this whole "forget about it" thing is really working for me. I'm not sure if it's working extremely well, or if it's horribly going to blow up in my face.
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See, the reason I've been able for the most part to "forget about it" is due to the fact that I haven't felt anything. Literally, I've not had one hot flash, one night sweat, one mood swing (hubs may disagree) or one episode of blurred vision. (Which is a side effect of clomid that you are supposed to report to your doc if you experience, but I never did report it, just had it a few times.) So therefore I have completely convinced myself that the clomid has stopped working on me and I have no follies growing.
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I wonder could that really happen? Can your body become resilient to this medicine to where in no longer effects you? I'm sure it can, and I'm sure that is what's happening. On Sunday, on Valentine's Day, I'm sure the RE will tell me, "You have zero follicles on the left side, and negative two on the right" ("Negative number" you ask? Yes, because if there's a way to put insult to injury, infertility will do it.)
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Today is CD10 and in clomid world that means today you start doing it every other day. However, if your doing IUI that is not as necessary. I'm not even sure if we are going to continue with another IUI this month, and if we will use the trigger shot or not. We will figure that all out on Sunday, yes...on Valentine's Day.
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Until then I'm still finding something hilarious. It's so ironic to me that when your not "supposed to" have sex, you want to; And when you should be doing it, you could really care less too. Hmm, to learn something about myself: Just tell me not to do something, and I will!
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Tiffany

Baby Names?

Baby names have been a topic in the media recently. (Well, not the media per say, they've been a topic in the blog world.) It came to me that this topic, as well, is yet another topic that I find HILARIOUS about infertility.
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It made me realize that I've been an infertile for so long that my "names" have changed. You see, when hubs and I started planning our family back in 1200BC we had certain names picked out. Well now, we've found that some names are not popular anymore, (Gertrude for example, jk.) or that we have just grown to dislike the name over time.
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This naturally got me thinking about what happens when we do actually get pregnant, (maybe, if, hopefully, God willing) and we name our child. Could we possibly grow in a a few years to hate the name of our own kid? OR,...are baby names like wedding dresses? Once you pick one out, you stop looking. Hmm............
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All these things I wonder. All these things I wonder, because I've not yet had to live through it. Of course I wonder these on a day when yet another wonderful infertility bill comes that needs to be paid. Anyone out there who's insurance DOES NOT cover infertility knows just how stressful the financial part is. Hey...maybe by the time I have a kid I'll want to name it Great Expense, or Cash Noflow.
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Tiffany

Fur Children

A small glimps into my life. Here are my girls, Lacy and Kilo.

Lacy as a puppy

Our beautiful girl now.

Lacy keeping close tabs on her toys.

Kilo as a puppy.

Kilo in her puppy bed.

Lacy trying to fit in the puppy bed.

The girls now, they love to spoon.



Doggy Love.

A Good Thing Happened

I almost forgot to take my clomid today!!! (That's a good thing you question?) Yes! It is! At least it is for me.

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You see this cycle I'm really trying out the whole "forget about it" thing. (I know, I know, I'm attempting the impossible.) But you see, in months past, I've been consumed with infertility. I've been consumed with taking my vitamins and my clomid to the point where I'd take them at the exact time (literally down to the minute) each day. Taking my clomid was the first thing on my mind as I got up, and the last think on my mind as I went to bed. I would constantly check my calendar just to verify what cycle day it was, over, and over again.

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So, after Monday's FAIL, Tuesday's "why me" questions, and Wednesdays depressed slumber all day long (literally sleeping every hour I was not at work) I've decided to throw Negative Nancy-pants to the wolves. I'm actually going to try on a Hopeful Halo for size this month.

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This is a stretch for me. By nature I tend to be a very critical, skeptical, plan for the worse type person. Therefore the fact that I almost forgot to take my clomid was such a positive step for me. Maybe I've actually learned to "forget about it" a little bit.

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Hubs, just don't let me forget the whole "sperm in uterus" thing. That part is slightly crucial.

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Tiffany

Things Just Keep Gettin Better

Um wait, no they don't. Just when I'd thought I'd reach the maximum on the sarcasm-infertility scale...my RE has to go and one-up me. "Come on infertility, can't I even get the last laugh???"
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Well ladies, this cycle I do believe I have reached total hilariousity of infertility. This month's ultrasound is scheduled on....VALENTINE'S DAY!
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So, if it's not hilarious enough that infertility doesn't even take the weekends off; it apparently doesn't take hallmark holidays off either.
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How romantic. Instead of a long walk with the dogs, followed by a movie, then dinner, then sex that is just sex (not baby making, planned, un-organic sex) we will be infertility bound. Yup. On Valentine's day we will be at our fertility clinic...with a condom encased camera...up my hoo-ha.
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I can't make this stuff up folks, you just gotta laugh.
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Tiffany

The Next Step?

If there is one question that stings more then "Are you pregnant?" It would be this one. "What are you doing next?" or, "What's the next step?" That question is so PARALIZING to me it's almost hard to put into words.
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I appoligize to any friends or fam that I've snapped at after this question. For whatever reason this question reminds me of the Cliffhanger game in The Price Is Right. In the world of infertility there are only so many "steps" you can take until SPLAT! Game over. I know we are getting to the end of our options. We are getting near the end of our "next steps" there's only a few more "next steps" we can take...and it's terrifying.
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However, I'm pleased to inform you that we HAVE decided on what steps we are taking this month. We are going to opt for IUI with GFI (Guaranteed Fertilization Insurance). Duh. Don't know why we didn't do this the first 568 cycles. Secondly, to save money, instead of having the dildo cam ultrasound we are going to go through Airport Security. We're sure the body scans will be invasive enough to check on our little follies. Finally we are going to splurge for the UEG (Uterus-Embryo Glue.) That way we will ensure that the embryo will stick to the uterus at least for the first trimester.
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Wish us luck!
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Tiffany

The Self-Screw

No ladies, this is not some fabulous new maneuver that will help you conceive 100% of the time. (Though I wish there was one...hey, has anyone tried a pillow under your hips?) lol.

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The Self-Screw is what happens after another failed attempt, another BFN (big fat negative), another box of tampons or another round of provera.

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The Self-Screw starts with massive build up of resentment to all your ttc antics, to the point where you feel the need to take your anger out on them. "I'll show you who's boss stupid folic acid pill!" "Make your own pee yellow you dumb B-complex." "Alcohol Shmalcohol pour me a double!"

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The morning of the self-screw usually starts out with you taking your hub's temperature instead of your own. Obviously yours isn't working. Then, you take one look at the prenatals and all the other horse pills you are swallowing, and you throw them down the sink. You obviously don't need those anyway right? Then it's followed by the decision NOT to call your RE today. You're going to call her on day 2 just to break the rules. Since you don't feel preggo at least you can feel like a rebel. Then you go to work and actually have to act like a human being. It helps to boast and brag to all women with small children about how much free time you have and all the fabulous places you and your hubs are going to travel this year. (She need not to know you have no money to travel to these wonderful places.) Then finally you're back home again where you throw your high-folic acid diet to the dogs. It's pizza and beer for everyone tonight...followed by chocolate and wine...with a side of martini.

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Unfortunately, the negative backlash and the true meaning of the Self-Screw sets in: It may feel good at the time, but in reality, your just doing it to yourself.

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Tiffany

Worst Case of the Mondays

I'm sure you can figure it out.

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At least I was spared another negative pregnancy test.

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More to come when I feel like talking.

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Midol please!

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Tiffany